90210: Episode 1: "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" (continued)

And we're back!

After we return from the opening titles, Ethan asks Annie how her day is going and assures her that he isn't "that guy" by which he means "the type of guy who cheats on his girlfriend by getting random hummers in a random Hummer", even though he most certainly is that guy--especially since the whole reason he's explaining this is to make sure Annie doesn't tell Naomi what she saw.

Shortly thereafter in the parking lot, some curly-blond skurfer (skater/surfer/iono?) dude brings Adrianna her book. Apparently she'd picked up the wrong one. Upon closer inspection, however, the book he brought her has a secret compartment that is filled with a sack of drugs! Intrigue! The book isn't the only thing he brought her: skurfer dude says that his supplier needs the hundreds of dollars Adrianna owes him. She makes the pathetic next-day guarantee typical of all penniless junkies.

Some dykey bitch comes up to Annie, seated, and steps on Annie's notebook. They bond over common knowledge of the obscure teen music scene and over Annie's toughness, and the dykey bitch introduces herself as Silver, her last name, because she prefers not to use her first name Erin. After Naomi spirits Annie away from the conversation, Kelly the counselor walks up and we find out that she and Silver are sisters! (BH90210 Rewind: Kelly Taylor's half sister Erin Silver was in scattered episodes as she grew up during the series.)

While Naomi tells Annie that Silver has a vicious website and invites Annie to her "not-so-sweet sixteen" party, Naomi's parents are in the principal's office. Mr. Matthews--the too-cool jerk teacher--and Principal Wilson explain to Naomi's parents that she is required to do the book report she is over a week late turning in. Naomi's mother (Mrs. Clark) tries to persuade the principal by reminding him that if things had turned out differently, she and he could have had a child together, and they could be discussing that child's grades. (You see, they had dated in high school.) We can be sure that child will exist when the cast of 90210 gets sucked into a parallel reality--a parallel reality inherently saturated with humorous circumstances such as this.

BH90210 Rewind: The Peach Pit. This diner was THE hangout for the student body of WBHH back in the '90s. It was such a cultural icon, VH1 included it in television promo spots for its I Love the '90s miniseries.

Nat still runs the Peach Pit, though he has trouble working these new-fangled espresso/capuccino/whatever machines. We arrive in the middle of a conversation between Naomi and Annie concerning Naomi and Ethan's scandalous behavior online. What's the behavior? The world may never know. All we know is that Annie is shocked that anyone would do that. Afterward, Naomi offers to buy Annie an 800-dollar dress, but Annie refuses on the grounds that it goes against her Kansas-Amish upbringing. To smooth things over, Annie offers to let Naomi read her book report, hoping that Naomi could get some ideas to use in her own book report about the same book. Naomi accepts, since she isn't Amish.

On the lacrosse field, we see that Dixon isn't bad. Navid is there to cheer him on. George, a member of the team, hits Dixon, who then defends his own honor by beating the shit out of the guy who hit him. The whole team gets in on it. Fade to black.

When we return from commercial, Dixon's alcoholic granny is telling him that next time he needs to fight dirty. Annie asks permission to go to the party and is permissed. Granny then excuses herself from the table because Mom's tater tots just aren't Beverly Hills cuisine. Annie and Dixon move to one of the bedrooms where she tells him about the hummer Ethan got. Dixon says that means that Ethan really doesn't want to be with Naomi any more, or in other words, "He's just not that into her."

At The Pit--what appears to be a hot nighttime version of the diner Peach Pit--that night, Naomi flashes some cash, which catches indebted Adrianna's eye. Corey Mr. Matthews runs into Naomi at the bar, and after they flirt shamelessly about her late book report, Mr. Matthews informs the bartender that Naomi is, in fact (not in lie), underage and should not be served any fire water.

As all this is taking place, Naomi's mother Mrs. Clark arrives at Principal Wilson's house. The three adults drink lots of fire water (wine, actually) and talk about how Principal Wilson once broke the H of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Mrs. Clark needs a ride home because she's smashed, so Mom offers to drive her home, mentioning her eagerness to trade stories about Principal Wilson's hot cock--I'm not making this up, I promise--but Mrs. Clark respectfully declines. (At this point, Principal Wilson informs us that Mom once dated a guy named Morris Cornbloom and lived with him in a tipi. Also, Principal Wilson informs us that he is essentially a huge douchebag, since he only dated Mrs. Clark because her mom had a beach house.)

While the family talks about how hot Annie looks in her dress, Granny recounts tales of Ricardo Montalban cracking eggs on her ass. At the club, Ethan and Naomi talk about how Ethan is going to lie for George because they're teammates and that's what teammates do. Adrianna steals Naomi's cash-laden purse. Commercial Break.

The next day at school, everyone makes fun of Annie for dating cows. See, Silver's video blog "The Vicious Circle" gets a half million hits and this week's edition was all about Annie's Kansas past, complete with humorous Flash animations. When Annie confronts Silver about this betrayal, Silver says that she never would have done it if Annie hadn't dissed her by hanging out with Naomi, whom Silver thinks is evil incarnate. Annie implies that Silver is worse than Naomi, since Naomi isn't the one who engaged in cyber-bullying. OUCH!

Kelly walks up and talks to Silver about the dangers of internet blogging and how blogs always start problems. She drives the point home that though Silver hates Naomi, the blog hurt Annie and did nothing to Naomi. Kelly then has to explain to Silver that she doesn't always have to be a school counselor; she can be a big sister sometimes too. They discuss their mom and Silver says she's ok. Blah blah blah.

Ethan lies to the coach and Principal Wilson about Dixon's involvement in the fight, resulting in Dixon's being kicked off the team. Dixon, forlorn, talks to Annie about how lacrosse (la-X, as they say) makes him feel more like Principal Wilson's son, since Principal Wilson played it in high school. Annie says that's stupid, and that since Dixon's been part of the family for eight years, he really is Principal Wilson's son.

Annie then reams Ethan, telling him everything he sucks at including, but not limited to, honesty. Then she almost cries when she realizes that Naomi turned in Annie's report as her own work. Bummer. Naomi though, in high-waisted short shorts (and not for the last time), gives Annie the 800-dollar dress in exchange for letting her plagiarize her paper. Tit for tat.

Annie and Silver go down to watch play practice, which sucks. When the theater teacher says as much, Silver suggests to her that Annie get to be in the chorus to round out the sound. Since the theater teacher, like all theater teachers, bows to the whims of the student body, Annie gets her shot. She dances maniacally and upstages Adrianna, the lead. Once again showing the passive director dynamic, the theater teacher invites Annie to join the show. This means Silver and Annie can be friends again.

BUT THEN THE PRINCIPAL (DAD) WALKS IN AND ASKS ANNIE ABOUT PLAGIARISM! Commercial Break.

[Oh, yeah, I forgot. In the middle of that whole theater bit, Dixon sent a text to Naomi, telling her that Ethan is cheating on her. This is, ostensibly, to get back at Ethan for being a lying bastard about the laX fight.]

In the office being questioned about plagiarism, Naomi thinks that Annie turned her in. They quarrel, and Naomi disinvites Annie from the NSS16 party. Later, Naomi and her mom are in the office, and Naomi's mom is pitching a bitch about Naomi having to rewrite the report. She questions Naomi's ability to get into a good college, which shocks Naomi. Principal Wilson agrees that everyone thinks Naomi's stupid... except him. At this point Naomi throws her mother out of the office and begins handwriting the report on what may or may not be a legal pad.

At some point, Ethan apparently went back and told the truth about the fight because Annie can see that someone has beaten the shit out of him (presumably George). When Annie tells Dixon, he realizes that he should probably not have sent that text to Naomi. Annie is appalled that he would do that, because Ethan will know that she was the one who told the secret of his hummer to Dixon. Uh oh. Commercial break.

When we return, Principal Wilson and Mom Wilson are talking about punishment. Apparently Annie needs to be protected since BH is a latter-day Sodom and Gomorrah, but Mom thinks they let Dixon off easy because he's adopted. They go up to check on Annie, but guess what? She flew the coop (but not before telling Granny).

PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT!

It's your typical rich-bitch sweet sixteen party. Crowds of people everywhere. Creepy screens showing video of Naomi's face. Silver and Annie (crashing the party) talk about Ethan while Dixon and Navid walk around shooting footage for the school news. As Navid tends to frequently do and say questionably gay things, we have a new feature:

GayWatch-Navid: As Navid follows (with his camera) the ass of an attractive female classmate, Dixon asks, "Who is that!?" to which Navid replies, "Not a chance in hell, is what you call that. Just remember I got you in. You are not a guest; you are my bitch."

Just as Navid shows up to tell the others that he found out Naomi's purse--including her cellular device--was stolen and therefore she didn't get the text, Adrianna walks up to Naomi and returns the purse, saying that the guys at the Pit found it.

Principal Wilson is at the party looking for Annie but is sidetracked by Mrs. Clark. She tells him that they need to talk. Seems that the Principal stopped seeing her twenty years ago after a pregnancy scare; she went to an abortion clinic and then spent a year in Europe recovering... OR SO HE THOUGHT! She really spent that year being pregnant and then gave the kid up for adoption. The son is still out there somewhere, all adopted.

Naomi is about to dance the spotlight dance with Ethan. This must be a second spotlight because it's shining from the ceiling, not Ethan's ass. Before she goes out to him, though, she reads the fateful text. They dance anyway.

Ethan compliments her and says he loves her. She looks at him and asks if he's cheating on her. He doesn't answer. Everyone is watching. Naomi tells everyone else to join them on the dance floor and thanks them for making it the best bday evs. Then she leaves Ethan alone on the dance floor (sort of, since everyone else is now starting to dance).

Annie feels terrible, so Silver suggests they go hang out with poor people to make themselves feel better. If one were to cross Vegas with Beach Blanket Bingo, they'd get the setting of this new party. As Silver and Annie arrive, they see Ethan coming out of the water, bedecked in a wetsuit. Silver explains that she and Ethan have been coming to this party every weekend since eighth grade. Annie goes over and apologizes to Ethan for spilling his scandalous secret. Ethan tells her he's a complete ass. Annie says only half an ass. Ethan says he's trying to rebecome the guy that Annie likes. Blah blah blah.

Time to close out the episode: Principal Wilson and Mom are in bed, but Principal Wilson is battling with the knowledge that he has a son out there somewhere.

Kelly is on the phone with some guy who is apparently the father of her four-year-old son (who has blond curly hair).

Adrianna gives the skurfer the money she stole from Naomi's purse.

Ethan shows up at Naomi's house and she lets him in.

Dixon and Annie agree that California doesn't suck.

People in nice clothes dance in the water because they're rich and we're not in Kansas anymore.

Quotes to remember:
Granny Tabitha on fighting: "Never worry about being fair, just grab onto those jewels and twist them, like a garbage bag."
George to Ethan about Dixon: "Dude, don't be such a puss; who cares about that puss?"

90210: Episode 1: "We're Not in Kansas Anymore"

Original air: 2 September 2008
Written by: Darren Star (with help from developers Jeff Judah, Gabe Sachs, and Rob Thomas)
Directed by: Mark Piznarski

Ahoy! Before we begin this trek, let me disappoint you up-front! This episode is only the first half of what I like to call 90210's "happy hour" premier. That is, the CW took 90210's first two hour-long episodes and packaged them together as a two-hour series premier. (Two for one, get it? Get it?)

(Feel free to skip this: The teleplay of the first half was written by Darren Star, the original creator of BH90210, along with some other guys. Rob Thomas, creator of Veronica Mars, may or may not have had much to do with this, but his name is on it, so take that for what it's worth. Gabe Sachs worked on Freaks and Geeks. Jeff Judah is basically Gabe Sachs, since they work on all the same stuff. Rinse, repeat for those two. The director was Mark Piznarski, who directed the pilot of VMars, among other things, and is probably the namesake of Season 3's controversial Piz.)

The show opens on a montage of sweltering Beverly Hills vistas: Rodeo Drive, hills, cars, you get the idea. Inside one of these cars is a family: two teenage children, one of each sex; two middle-age parents, one of each sex. In the background is a mixture of Coldplay's "Viva La Vida (When I Ruled the World)" and the whines of the teenage boy lamenting how much it sucks that they have to move to California from Kansas.

Whoa. Rewind. If this setup sounds familiar, it should. Two teenage siblings? Check. Two parents? Check. Moving west to Beverly Hills? Check. Siblings are the same age? Seems like.

The litmus test for whether this is BH90210: are the siblings twins? If you're watching along at home, you know that unless some very odd Punnett squares are in play here, these siblings are not twins. The girl is caucasian; the boy is African-American. That's right folks, the writers found an alternative to the twin device: ADOPTION! But back to the story.

The kid, Dixon, is lamenting his fate. His sister Annie, formerly Darcy on Degrassi: The Next Generation, is lamenting her fate (she left behind a boyfriend and a lead role in the school play). Their mother Debbie, formerly Aunt Becky on Full House, is lamenting her children. Their father Harry, formerly some other character on Melrose Place (another spin-off of BH90210), is making fun of them by pretending to be homosexual. Soon thereafter, in a combination of a subtle "Don't talk to us during school hours, all right?" and a not-so-subtle "Yeah, Mr. Principal" that was probably looped in when the focus groups didn't catch on immediately, we (finally) learn the reason for this move:

Harry is going to be the new principal at West Beverly Hills High (hereafter, WBHH).

Because the high school principal of WBHH doesn't make enough to actually buy a house in BH, they'll be living in Harry's mother's mansion. She's an alcoholic actress who made millions flashing her bidness in the '70s. This is basically all explained by Dixon, who's inadvertantly (we assume) seen his adopted grandma's downstairs mix-up on late-night t.v.

That night by the pool, Dixon and Darcy, I mean Annie, discuss their apprehensions about the next day at school. Dixon tells Annie that she's hot, but not before they discuss some guy she made out with in BH a couple of years ago and the Kansasian boyfriend she's stringing along. Annie's measuring up to be the model of an average girl. There really isn't any information in this scene that couldn't have been wedged in elsewhere.

Home again, home again: an exterior montage of West Beverly Hills High. This is basically the same kind of montage you'd see at Neptune High or Sunnydale High. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this were stock footage. Walking into campus, Dixon checks out the hotties while Annie spots Ethan, the guy whose tonsils she slapshotted a couple summers back. She sees him in his car and waves hello, but he freaks out and zips up as a girl rises from beneath the dash. He'd been getting a hummer! At school! Zounds! Annie isn't quite sure how to process the information, so let's go see how her brother is doing.

Dixon arrives in journalism class, where we are introduced to a new character: Navid (nah-veeeeeeed). This guy seems to know Dixon's entire history, under the auspices of doing a story on the new principal's kid. We can all see in the very bad screenshot that he also takes a second to drop his eyes and check out the stats that weren't in Dixon's permanent file, if you know what I'm saying. Navid chats with Dixon about lacrosse and then solidifies his very gay vibe by mentioning some spotlight that shines out of Ethan's ass.

The morning's broadcast begins with a welcome from Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez. The screen reads "Breaking News New Principal". Really? That's breaking news? How'd you like to be the school that didn't know they were getting a new principal until the first bell rings on the first day.

BH90210 REWIND: In one of the school's many classrooms, a teacher says, "What is that girl, like thirty?" referring to Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez. One of the original BH90210 criticisms was that many of its actors (especially the actress who played Andrea Zuckerman) were almost 30 when the show premiered. Apparently as a response to this, the creators of 90210 have placed Andrea's near-illegitimate daughter, Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez, as a student at WBHH. She should be about 14 or 15 according to the show's chronology, but apparently has been cursed with whatever genetic anomalies made her mother appear to be 30 while she was still in high school. End REWIND.

The next scenes reveal the following:

• The teacher is a too-cool jerk.
• A girl exactly like Cordelia Chase (but blonde) attends WBHH. Her name is Naomi.
• Naomi has a term paper one week overdue.
• Kelly Taylor from BH90210 is the guidance counselor at WBHH.
• Principal Harry Wilson moved to Kansas to escape Beverly Hills attitudes.

Naomi and her crew are leaving class talking about how poorly Annie dresses, when Annie runs up. The too-cool jerk teacher had suggested Naomi show Annie around, and when Annie mentions this to Naomi and identifies it as a type of punishment, Naomi calls the teacher a bitch, suddenly has a change of heart, and becomes eager to hang out with the new girl, regardless of her poverty.

Ethan arrives at this point, and when Naomi kisses him, Annie realizes that Ethan and Naomi are dating. Struggling through a reintroduction made more awkward by his sunrise bj, Ethan calls over Adrianna, the lead in WBHH's school play, to draw the attention off himself. Adrianna and Annie chat about Annie's lead role in her play back in Kansas, but when Annie is too embarrassed to tell Adrianna what play she was going to star in, she has a weird sort of flashback sequence where she sings a few bars of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" (see screenshot). With that out of the way, Ethan and Naomi walk off one way, Adrianna walks off another, and Annie is left in the middle of the hallway. A teacher asks here if she's lost and Annie replies:

"Completely."

And now... the moment we've all been waiting for for ten minutes and five seconds...
THE OPENING TITLES!

The familiar notes of BH90210's opening sound out, though heavier on the guitar. Flashing sequences of friends and fun with weird overlays. More guitar. Less brass and woodwind. The visual style of the opening is similar enough to the old-school opening, and the song is almost identical, though the mood has changed a little--a bit more modern, a bit more mature. Will that be the running theme for this new take on an American classic?

More to come.

90210: Episode 0: "Beverly Hills, 90210"

Hey, I know what you're thinking! "Last time we saw a Jawsome Olde Tyme Revue from this guy, we had to wait over EIGHT MONTHS for the next one!" Well, fear not, extensive fanbase! I have it in good faith that the next TSLOTAT revue will be up soon enough.

In the meantime, allow me to introduce you to the CW's brand-new hit teen drama: 90210!

Before I get into the show itself, though, we need to crack open the history books and take a ride way back into the past. (We also need to ignore any mixed metaphors we meet along the way.) This is because 90210 is not the original take on rich-kid behavior you'd like to think it is! It's a rip-off spin-off of a really, really old show that once aired on FOX.

Let's be honest, most spin-offs don't require you to know anything about the show they spun off from, except in the case of some in-jokes and guest appearances that happen in the pilot and then maybe later on if ratings start to slip. This wonderfully jawsome revue is meant to act as a sort of primer for those rare occasions when a reference to the old show might be necessary. Unfortunately I haven't seen any episodes of the show since they originally aired, so this is all from memory.

A long, long time ago...

The year was 1990. Most people on Earth weren't even born then. Derwin Darren Star and Aaron Spelling began producing a show which taps into the very heart of every American teenager: the desire to watch very rich, very badly behaved high school students self-destruct in a string of increasingly ridiculous tragedies. They called it Beverly Hills, 90210. It was a cultural touchstone for a generation of American youths.

Now I know what you're thinking. It's a question I've been asked at least once, so it must be the burning question on your minds at this very moment. "What does '90210' even mean? Are there ninety thousand, two hundred ten characters on this show?" No, I say, not at all. 90210 is the ZIP Code of Beverly Hills, California. Duh. That's why the original logo looked like a USPO cancellation stamp. (The show itself wouldn't be cancelled for a decade.)

Unfortunately, most of America (read: I) didn't know much about Beverly Hills at that point. I vaguely knew there was a Rodeo Drive with no cowboys, a troop of rich and Girl-Scoutish ne'er-do-wells headed by Jenny Lewis, and also some cops. In fact, most of my knowledge of Beverly Hills is still limited to two shows: Beverly Hills, 90210 and Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills (which was probably shot on a sound stage in Burbank, actually). Fortunately, they (read: not I) had figured out a way to introduce America (read: me) to a world with which we had no experience.

Brandon and Brenda Walsh: Your gateway drugs

The show basically opens with Brandon and Brenda Walsh, siblings from Minnesota. They were two relatively attractive high school students played by Jason Priestly and Shannon Doherty B.S.B.R. (before super-bitch reputation), respectively. For some reason, their father or mother or someone had decided to move to Beverly Hills and drag these two along with them. Honestly, I don't remember much more about the set-up. Oh yeah, they lived in a house with a Spanish tile roof. That's all.

The problem you run into with sibling main characters is that they tend to be different ages, which leads to two very different plotlines, one for each sibling. Each plotline involves things that that age group is doing, and so you've split your time one two different demographics. BH90210 solved that problem in a pretty innovative way. (I can't tell whether I'm being sarcastic here.)

Brandon and Brenda? Twins.

Same grade, same friends, same problems. Their lives are inextricably intertwined. We can get girl problems and guy problems, but still appeal to the same age demographic! Genius.

Oh yeah, just in case you're wondering, they're fraternal twins. They also start out being the voice of wholesome Middle West American values caught in a maelstrom of the sinful Beverly Hills depravity of their peers. They quickly become as depraved as everyone else though, so let's take a brief look at the rest of the cast.

Brenda's Friends

Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) was hot. Hot hot. Hot hot hot. If a heterosexual male were watching this show, she would be the reason. Honestly, I can't remember much about her situation other than that she was hot. Oh, yeah, her mom got remarried, which was basically the backstory for Kelly's slightly younger stepbrother, David Silver (Brian Austin Green). More on him later.

Playing foil to Kelly (in hotness anyway) was Tori Spelling... I mean, Donna something (Tori Spelling). I just looked it up. Her name is Donna Martin. I remember her getting upset a lot and never looking like she was really a part of this crew. She also dated Kelly's stepbrother David Silver. Apparently that was her only purpose on the show, since I couldn't find a photo of her that didn't have him in it. Just for the record, we know she's a worthwhile actress because of her outstanding work on Saved by the Bell as Screech's one-time girlfriend, Violet Beauregarde Ann Bickerstaff. Her role on BH90210 always struck me as mostly nepotism, though.

And that was basically it for Brenda's friends. Mainly because she turned into a bitch.

Brandon's Friends

Steve Sanders (Ian Ziering) was the blond-haired jock. I remember thinking he was a real d-bag and didn't really care for any scene he was in. Oh, well, uh, here's a photo:


I guess you could consider Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) to be a friend of Brandon's. Basically Brenda really wanted to bone him (Dylan, not Brandon (I assume)). He was the motorcyle-riding bad-boy. A Fonzie for the new generation. I don't know much about Dylan either except that his dad (and car) got blown up by mobsters (in the same explosion) who were trying to kill Dylan. Tragic, yes? Told you so.

Andrea

I'm not sure if Andrea was anyone's friend. She was the smart girl who turned out to be poor as well, which meant she didn't fit in at all in any way. I always thought she was sort of hot because she had that librarian look going on, but as the oldest member of the cast, she quickly lost her lustre. Oddly enough, she's one of the youngest-looking these days.

Final Thoughts

While widely criticized for having 28- and 29-year-olds playing high school students, BH90210 stood the test of time, lasting a whumping 10 seasons and becoming a defining television show for the 1990s. To quote Chloe Sullivan Alex Mack Alison Mack in Camp Nowhere, "If I don't see Dylan, I die."

90210 has big high-tops to fill, so be sure to watch and read along as Jawsome Olde Tyme Revues presents this completely (mostly) new series!

COMING SOON:

Episode 1: We're Not In Kansas Anymore