Sunday, January 25, 2009

TSLOTAT: Episode 13: "Baked Nevada"

Previously, on the Jawsome Olde Tyme Revue: "Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), they get married. You know the drill. Nothing unexpected happens. When it's over, Tom and Timmy stand up and say, 'We're next!' The vicar chuckles politely, and the cycle of the secret wedding of the American teenager begins anew."

The "we're next" thing at the end of the previous episode might have just seemed like a lame joke, but it turns out it was actually a cliffhanger! So I hope you were on tenterhooks waiting to find out how it would be resolved, because I didn't know I was supposed to be.

Grace tries to tell Tom and Tammy (that's Timmy's actual name; I don't want to try to keep that joke going) that they can't get married, but coming right after Amy and Ben's ridiculous ordeal it's hard to make that argument convincing. It turns out this is all just a thinly veiled plot device to get Grace to call the parents and get them to come bust up the wedding, and after that we'll probably never hear about Tom and Tammy wanting to get married again. Grace's hot mom is incredulous that someone actually got married at Elbertson's wedding chapel, but you know, it would be hard to keep a wedding chapel in business if nobody ever got married there. Her snideness is not appreciated.

The Sausage King walks into a room, says, "Waste not, want not," and switches off the lights. I like to imagine that this is what he does with his spare time: just wanders around his empty house, flipping switches and reciting random platitudes to no one. "A penny saved is a penny earned." "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." Etc. Anyway, he's interrupted from making his rounds by a phone call from George, who asks if he knows anything about the kids getting married. In lieu of a response, he just takes the phone away from his ear, which isn't very helpful to George.

Meanwhile, at Elbertson's, everyone is dancing to the Village People's "YMCA" (possibly connected with the vicar's "don't ask, don't tell" comment in the previous episode?). They eat hamburgers and continue their reverie, blissfully unaware that a pair of villains, shown only from the knees down in a series of foreboding cuts, are approaching. There's a knock on the door... and when Amy and Ben go to answer it, the two assassins spray the room with bullets, leaving no survivors and burning the building down!

Actually it's George and the Sausage King, and they look at Amy and Ben with vague disapproval.

Adrian goes home and sees her a-hole dad, who grills her about the wedding and the fake IDs, bitches a lot, and generally acts like a complete douchebag. Business as usual. But for some reason Adrian is still trying to get him to fuck her mom and move in with them.

The Sausage King bitches at Ben and informs him that because he used a fake ID he's not really married. It's a little strange that he wasn't concerned about that a few episodes back, when he was trying to convince George that Ben and Amy should get married. He doesn't like that Ben went against Amy's parents' wishes, and he tells Ben that he can't always get what he wants, but if he tries sometimes, he might find he gets what he needs. They leave, and Henry, who was hiding in the bathroom or something, runs out and steals a hamburger, being heard to exclaim, "Robble robble." Elsewhere, George is having pretty much the same conversation with Amy and Ashley (the scolding, not the "robble robble"), but he tells them not to let their mother find out.

Wanting to ruin her night in exchange for ruining his life, Tom tells Grace's parents about her fake ID. Right on cue, her dad acts intolerably smug, first scolding Grace's mom for setting Tom up with Timmy, then scolding Grace about the fake ID and puffing out his disgusting chest. But the scolding just rolls off Grace's back like a duck, because Ricky told her that he loves her! They're in love!

Meanwhile, Ricky fucks Adrian.

George wanders into Anne's kitchen wearing a pink polka-dotted bathrobe, and she offers him some pancakes. He'd rather just go to bed, and she asks why nobody wants to talk to her. George says she's not that fun to talk to, and she's like, "Oh yeah?" and fucks him. (Really!) During the pillow talk, Anne reveals that she fucked that guy in Chicago, but she's not sorry. She's the average girl.

At school, Ricky and Grace are all "ooh, I can't believe you're my girlfriend! I can't believe you're my boyfriend! ooh!" and Adrian is all "and I can't believe the three of us are still friends!" She drops a bunch of really obvious "I'm screwing Ricky" innuendos and Ricky gives his stock reaction, but as usual, Grace is oblivious.

Everybody keeps talking up counselor Mark Molina. Word on the street is he's back in town, and people are pret-ty excited about that. After all this hype, his triumphant return must be pretty amazing! I can't wait!

Jack tells Adrian that he wants to stay away from women for a while, so forget about how he made out with Alice. I guess Alice can sense that that's going nowhere, because she propositions Henry again. He turns her down and she kicks a locker.

Over the intercom, someone makes the announcement that, "Students possessing fake IDs should report to Mr. Molina's office immediately for police questioning." Somehow, I don't think that's going to be a very effective way of catching them. You need to at least offer them mountain bikes or something. But then they change their minds and just ask for Joe. Jack runs around collecting the fake IDs from everybody so that he can take all the responsibility, and there won't be anything linking the others to the IDs, except that big pile of IDs that he has with all their pictures on them.

For whatever reason, Jack takes the blame for making the IDs and is taken away by a cop. When asked by counselor Mark Molina (in his triumphant return) why Jack would take the fall, Joe offers a couple of explanations: "I inspire loyalty... or he's just stupid." My money is on the latter. It turns out that Mark Molina has been missing because he was also getting married, to his abusive girlfriend (apparently he and Ben had a conversation about her during the pizza episode. Mark Molina tells him to forget they had that conversation, which should be pretty easy, because I had).

Anne goes to a family law place to start the divorce process, I guess, and embarrasses herself in front of the receptionist, who offers her an apple and tells her that she should be in therapy. Anne says she doesn't need therapy because of the great relationship she has with her daughters, to whom she talks all the time. Grace's dad wanders in. Ostensibly he's there because he wants to get some legal advice on how to prevent Tom and Tammy from getting married, but really he's there as a contrived way of having Anne find out that Amy and Ben got married. This also hilariously reveals to the receptionist that Anne's spiel about talking to her daughters all the time was bullshit because she didn't even know that one of them was married. But at least Grace's dad finally takes the receptionist up on her apple offer.

Anne goes to Ben's house and busts in on him and Amy in the middle of a hot, sweaty discussion about their feelings. Anne tells them that the guy at Elbertson's knew that they were underage and using fake IDs, but he married them anyway because he felt sorry for them (definitely not because he wanted the money). A long, boring discussion about responsibility and stuff follows, but I'll spare you the details. The funny part is when Amy thinks that she's going into labor because the baby moves. Anne has to reassure her: "It's supposed to move." Amy is living proof of the need for better sex education in public schools. By the way, an all new season of Kyle XY premieres next.

I don't know why this episode is called "Baked Nevada."

Final thoughts: Enh. This wasn't very memorable. Um... let's see... I don't know what was the point of Jack taking the fall for the fake IDs. In the episode he just sort of shrugs it off and is like, "Joe does a lot for us, in his own way." I can't tell if he actually has ulterior motives that he doesn't want to reveal, or if it's just another crazy whim of the writers. This show is tricky like that.

I was glad to finally get confirmation that Anne fucked that guy in Chicago, though I'm a little bit annoyed because now I'll have to go back to that episode and find out what his actual name was so I can include him on the elaborate flowchart (which I'll add to this post once I do that). On the other hand, I'm really quite annoyed that we still don't know whether Ben and Amy have done the nasty. I guess I'm just going to assume that they haven't, because they were interrupted before they got to their actual wedding night, and Ben seems like the type to "save himself" (though Amy obviously isn't).

I hope that Anne does end up going to the therapist and it turns out to be Ricky's therapist (and Lauren's dad). All kinds of wackiness could ensue... and probably will!

On the next TSLOTAT: Ricky's dad shows up and wrecks up the place!

  • "Come on! I'm forgiven." -- George
  • "I like a good banana now and then, as long as it isn't too ripe." -- Anne

No comments: